There are many new parents who apparently were not sufficiently instructed on proper Halloween etiquette. As a public service we offer the following list.
1. Halloween does not begin until dark. Just because Halloween falls on Saturday does not change anything. We don't give shit what you had planned for your Saturday evening.
2. And no, your community may not take a vote to change the day of trick or treating if Halloween falls on a Sunday or some other inconvenient day. Your problem, not ours.
3. Parents, even though it has been less than 10 years since you enjoyed trick or treating you don't get to wear a costume and especially no masks. Try that in the wrong neighborhood and you might get shot.
4. Teenagers, we will overlook the fact that you are damn near grown but you need to hang back until the little kiddies get first shot at each house. And it would be nice if you find a pack of small kiddies to accompany under the pretense of "looking out for the little ones".
5. There is nothing wrong with going to a better neighborhood to trick or treat. But drive by trick or treating is a social faux pas of the highest order. Find a park, get out of the goddamn car and walk your kids to the door.
6. Bring a flashlight.
7. Only go to the houses with the porch light on. If the light is off it means I am either out of candy or too drunk to answer the door anymore. Keep moving.
8. Train your kids in advance on Momma's favorite type of candy. Once you ring the doorbell and see the selection its too late to put in your order.
9. Stay the hell off my lawn! We spent a lot of money on those sidewalks for a reason.
We will update the list as the evening progresses
10. Once it starts raining its over, go home.
11. Taking unused Halloween candy back to the store after Halloween is over is like taking milk back to the store after the expiration date. So very uncool! That's why God gave you an office, so you would have someplace to get rid of extra candy.
12. Those kids costumes are now officially pajamas. We don't need to see little vampires and pirates running around the store anymore. Put them away for next year. Better yet donate them to the surplus clothing store and let some other kid have it.
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