Happy mother's day, now let's set these bitches straight

As faithful followers of the jacked UP jazz experience may recall, we have long since noted that there seems to be a variation of expectations between the genders for the purpose of setting aside a day to honor those blessed with the opportunity to be parents in our society. Well, those who subscribe to the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" philosophy are gonna be with me on this post, those who don't, not so much.

Mother's day seems to be all flowers and Hallmark cards and thank you's mams and memories of self sacrifice and skinned knees being carefully attended with love. It is a celebration of the institution of motherhood and the unique role mother's play in our society. A day where we all acknowledge the special attributes of our mothers.

Whereas father's day seems to have devolved into some sort of cultural delineation of all the shit fathers could have done just a little bit better if they had applied themselves and as we think about it we are all still pretty pissed off about it. Why can't you motherlovers be more like Denzel. And where is the child support check? Matter of fact we're gonna call a press conference with a bunch self loathing, guilt ridden male celebrities to show you errant bastards how to sufficiently better yourselves so that you are fit to show your despicable faces in our presence.

Gee, thanks! I didn't know you cared.

There is no need to explain. Shortcomings will not be tolerated. Society has set a standard that must be adhered to. You sombitches need to get your shit together, and that right quick.

The criminalization of fatherhood has provided yet one more avenue for miseducated, mentally unstable, poor and broke or just plain young and stupid males to find themselves at the mercy of a merciless system that will not be satiated by blood or money. If, then, we cannot decriminalize fatherhood I say we criminalize motherhood just to keep things nice and even.

Every working single mother who is 15 minutes late picking up her child from daycare needs to get hauled in front of a no nonsense judge, who is up for reelection, to explain just exactly why it is that she can't seem to get her shit together. And if her little tale of woe fails to sufficiently amuse us we sentence her to six months of "reflection time" in order for her to figure out how not to piss us off next time.

When young women produce more than the culturally acceptable number of offspring we can ridicule them for being irresponsible and a burdensome drag on society.

Weak willed females of questionable character who are too distracted by the monotony of keeping the lights on in the house or providing food for the family and are unable to dispense whatever items of consumerist bullshit that have taken over the collective consciousness of preteen adolescents all over America will be held in contempt of the collective and disparaged as an unfit mothers.

However, I do think we should grant a special recognition to the adoptive mother who packed up that orphan boy and sent him on a one way trip back to Russia for being a psychopath. Although, anybody who has spent more than ten minutes with any garden variety seven year old knows that label pretty much applies to each and everyone one of them. Just the same, I can still feel the cockles of my heart warming to glowing ambiance. Only a mother would have taken the time to attach a note to his little ass.

Surely a no account father would have just sent his ass off COD.