Monday, March 29, 2010

The hobos will steal your shoes

I post this entry at the risk of possibly getting crosswise of the formidable pro hobo lobby but sometimes it just need to come out.

When my kids were little (I'm talking pre first grade) we were insane buddies. In their eyes I was basically a really big kid with a driver's license and lots of pocket change. I literally had to sneak away just to be able to use the bathroom in peace. They truly believed in me as a mighty wizard capable of making even the fiercest gumball machines do our bidding. My every utterance was gospel suitable for inscription on papyrus scrolls. And with the possible exception of the unfortunate teenage/adolescent years they always have believed in me, and still do to this day. Which is why, then as now, I've taken every opportunity to abuse their trust in me in all things minor and petty (but never the big stuff).

There was the nearly hilarious toenail clippings incident, wherein after closely observing me harvest a completely intact full set of my overgrown toenail clippings, I convinced them to take the fruits of my harvest to kindergarten for show and tell. The plan was thwarted only because of the hyper vigilance of an alert grandmother. In hindsight I suppose the decorative box was a bridge too far and served only to draw suspicion to the plot.

The point of all this abuse was simply to be able to remind them of who was still the big cheese when they grew up and got a little too full of themselves (re: the aforementioned teenage years). Plus it was entertainment (I gave up drinking when they were born and I figured they owed me some amusement).

Even though they are now grown they are still gullible little farts. So when one of them had occasion to take a trip that was too far to drive but to short to fly the Amtrak was the obvious choice. So with all the seriousness that I could muster I raised the connection between trains and hobos.

If you fall asleep the hobos will steal your shoes. And you should also take some rope to tie your luggage to your torso. Of course they didn't want to believe, but they were afraid not to.

Upon arriving at the destination with both shoes and luggage fully intact my kid called me to check in and to remind me that I am a still the biggest butthole on the planet.

Mission accomplished.

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