Sunday, April 18, 2010

Sunday moanin

Me and God got a deal worked out, I don't get in his business and he don't get in mine.

Every once in a while I send up a tune for God, a joyful noise as it were, and in return God will send down a beautiful day or a beautiful human specimen for me to appreciate the wonders of God's work.

This arrangement has been working quite well and I expected that this would continue indefinitely. Until THEY showed up on my doorstep. This time it was the Mormons. But it could have just as well been the Jehovah's Witnesses or any of the missionary churches bringing light to the godless heathens who contaminate the planet.

There was the one time the Jehovah's showed on Christmas morning cause they don't believe in Christmas or something. Well in this house we do, so git!

They don't send the old heads out on the route any more. Now they send the green wet behind the ears fresh faced types so maybe you will be less inclined to slam the door in their faces. Or worse, try to cower in your own home and act like you are not home when you see them coming. Oh shit, the front door is open.

We would like to share a message from God with you. I just talked to God and she didn't mention nothing about sending nobody by the house with no messages. You sure you got the right address?

I don't begrudge missionaries spreading out across the world visiting the huts, hovels and lean tos of the world saying my God sent me here with this sandwich for you, have you had lunch yet. But there is something inherently arrogant and self obsessed about showing up on somebody's doorstep with a basic message of "we realize you may already have one of those heathen religions but its all misguided and stuff and we think ours is better for you. Mind if we come in and explain it to your dumb ass".

"Well I was just about to fire up my crack pipe, but I guess I could turn the sound down on my porn and give you a few minutes. Come on in".

How come they don't never have no Rastafarian missionaries.

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